


Who to Forgive

by Kizmet



Series: Wounds:  Visible and In- [4]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe Friendly, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Gen, In pretty much the same way, Lucifer's family isn't evil, Neither is Chloe, Post-Season/Series 04, Protective Azrael, They both screwed up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24246775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kizmet/pseuds/Kizmet
Summary: Rae-Rae meets people, like a certain Hell-bound priest, on their way to the afterlife, it's her job description afterall.  And seeing Lucifer resuming his relationship with Chloe after returning to L.A. worries her.What Chloe did in S4 was awful but the worst thing about it wasn't that it was the worst thing anyone had ever done to Lucifer... It was that it was pretty much par for the course when it came to the people who were supposed to love him.  What she did afterwards... Now that was something new.
Relationships: Azrael & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Wounds:  Visible and In- [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642639
Comments: 26
Kudos: 152





	1. The Angel of Death makes House Calls

**Author's Note:**

> Well this has taken a while. Partially because I’ve been working on Ella’s section and the second chapter of this bit kept kidnapping my muse and holding it hostage until I gave in and decided if it really wanted to be written first I’d just do it. But mostly because working from home while supporting distance learning for a 1st grader means I’m working during times I used to write (after someone’s bedtime). Our teacher’s been great but 1st graders aren’t self-directed (except when the legos come out) and I’m pretty sick of the daily “Why do I need math?” conversation. I’m an engineer, I know the answer… Getting a seven year old to believe it is another matter.

Azrael was in the middle of rounding up souls from a cult sucide when she felt a prayer aimed her way. Not one of her siblings or the ‘ghost-calling trick’ she’d taught to Ella Lopez either. //Azrael, Angel of Death, hear me: A self-righteous priest who has remorselessly suborned murder in your Father’s name is dying. Think he could use a ride downstairs?//

Azrael spread her wings and a moment later she was in L.A. where a dark haired beauty was calmly washing blood off her hands while a soul separated itself from the mortal form of an older beard man. “Eve!” Azrael squeaked. “What are you doing here!”

Eve paused giving the petite angel a friendly smile before shutting off the sink. “Hi Rae-Rae.” she nodded to the still warm body on the floor. “I came down to hang with Lucifer and that guy tried to kill me for it. That’s after he was involved in a couple other murders just to try to get your brother to lash out. And he thinks Heaven’s for the likes of him.” She shrugged. “I figured I’d save you a little mileage.”

“And save me listening to another round of Mindy, Mike and Remi going on about how it IS Lu’s fault? Thanks Eve. I swear, those three don’t care how Lu’s involved, if Mortals so much as invoke his name they want to blame him.”

“Amenadiel may finally be coming around. When I turned up, he dropped by to check on my intentions towards your brother,” Eve confided. “He was worried I was holding a grudge about Cain. It was sort of sweet.”

“About fucking time!” Azrael exclaimed. Then she frowned, “Why would you be upset about Cain? Adam was the one who was big on blaming Lu for every bad choice ever made, not you.”

Eve shrugged, “Does anyone ever know why Amenadiel gets a particular bug up his butt? But shouldn’t you be going?” she asked with a nod toward the soul that was beginning to ascend.

Azrael reached out and caught it. “Oh don’t bother,” she told Kinley’s immortal soul. “You’ve been on my pick up list ever since your buddy Oscar kicked the bucket practically choking on his guilt while hollering about how a priest told him it was for the greater good, to defeat the Devil.” She spread her wings and a moment later they appeared outside the gates of Hell.

“I am our Father’s faithful servant in His war against the Adversary,” Kinley’s soul protested, cringing away from the Gates.

Azrael rolled her eyes, “What war? Lu likes to cuss at Dad and Dad ignores him like he ignores all of us. You damned poor Oscar because you think Dad can’t handle Lu shouting? I really think Oscar was on track to redeeming himself before you sank your claws into him. He was helping people, working through his own guilt in the process, until you got him all twisted up.”

“ _‘Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering is required of your brotherhood throughout the world!’_ ” Kinley declared.

“Missing the part where it tells you to go halfway around the world to harass my brother,” Azrael replied, unimpressed.

“How dare you Angel! Ignoring God’s Will and allowing the Beast to stalk His flock unimpeded!” Kinley accused. “ _‘Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might! Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil!’_ ”

“I get it,” Azrael said, rolling her eyes. “Dad’s book likes telling you to RESIST the devil.” She thumped Kinley’s chest, above his heart, with a reproving finger. “You lot tend to get all huffy if anyone says your evil impulses come from there and more than a few of my sibs are less worried about absolute truth than getting the message across: Resist evil, if it helps call it the Devil, ‘cause they don’t really give a fuck about hurting Lu’s feelings. But again RESIST, not attack.”

Kinley tilted his head back challengingly. “ _‘Behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall hurt you.’_ He’s the DEVIL! He belongs in Hell! _‘And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the Devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world, he was thrown down!’_ Lucifer doesn’t belong on Earth! Running amuck, tempting and CORRUPTING the children of the Lord!”

“Like he corrupted you?” Azrael snapped. “And make no mistake, you are a corrupt, evil man, loathed by angels like every other disgusting asshole who goes around killing in our Father’s name. But I suppose you think Lu MADE you attack him,” she rolled her eyes, “by existing. And I thought I was going to avoid this B.S.”

“He was going to bring about the end of the WORLD!” Kinley ranted. “ _‘When the Devil walks the Earth and finds his first love, evil shall be released’_! He has to be stopped!”

“Wait? what?” Azrael stopped. “That wasn’t Dad’s book, what are you going on about now?”

Kinley smirked. “So you don’t know everything, Angel.”

Azrael sighed, “I suppose you better tell me all about it.”

Once she’d heard everything she could stomach about Kinley’s machinations she chucked him at Dromos’ feet. “He sought to harm your King,” Azrael said. “Make sure he’s punished appropriately.”

Dromos’ eyes widened, “This one saw the King?”

“Yeah and decided he had an inside line on what my Dad wants.”

After leaving the Gates of Hell Azrael collected a few souls- Because she was busy. Because her work’d back up in the worst way if she didn’t stay on top of it. Because it wouldn’t do to rush off half-cocked... She was dithering, Azrael knew she was dithering. ‘And last time I let thousands of years go by before I saw him again and even then it was only because Lu forced the issue. We didn’t even resolve anything- Well, except that I have no nefarious intentions in encouraging Ella in his direction...’

‘It’s really too late to help isn’t it? The creep-priest’s dead after all… But did Lu ever find out his detective was plotting to send him to Hell?

‘Either way I really, really should go. Either Lu doesn’t know and I should warn him before she tries again or he does know and- Gah!! That awful priest was as jazzed about using Lu being in love with her as he was about her apparently making Lu vulnerable. If Lu knows it probably broke his heart.’

Azrael dropped off her latest pick-up, a mother who’d never forgiven herself for believing the doctors when they thought her baby’s systems were constipation, not cancer until it was too late. Then she winged it back to L.A. A chill went down her spine when she found Lucifer’s penthouse still and silent, the furniture draped in dusty sheets. Azrael folded her hands quickly. //AMENADIEL, WHAT HAPPENED?// she cried.


	2. Elements of an Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skipping a bit past the immediate resolution of the situation at the end of “Seeking a Better Me”, without going into details of the actual resolution.

Azrael landed on the penthouse balcony and folded her wings away with a gentle whoosh of displaced air.

Lucifer was sitting at his piano. His wings were out, half-spread, wrapped bandages with a cobbled together splint on the right wing. His eyes were closed and he was humming quietly to himself as he adapted one of his favorite songs to be played one handed. His feathers gained a slight sheen of metal at the sound of his sibling’s entrance but that was the only acknowledgement of her entry.

“Azrael,” Chloe exclaimed. She had been sitting curled up in the corner of a couch near the piano with an open book in her lap but upon seeing the angel alight on the balcony she stood quickly. Her book fell to the floor as she took a step forward, putting herself between Lucifer and Azrael.

“It’s fine, Detective,” Lucifer sighed. “Azrael never harmed me, she won’t trigger another flashback.” He gave his younger sister a warning look, “Although I would recommend that you not get too close to my wings.”

“Right, okay,” Azrael babbled. “Ella was researching this. No surprising you. No touching without asking- Well, not really a worry, I promise I haven’t picked up her hugginess, in fact it’s part of the reason I went with ghost. I wasn’t sure if I should let living humans touch me and it seemed like a good idea at the time, what with meeting in the car wreck and everything. So don’t worry about me developing any sudden need to grab people. So, um, besides your wings is there anything else that I shouldn’t do?”

“Don’t even suggest I talk to Michael or Amenadiel,” Lucifer said. “Family in general really, best to assume I don’t want to see or speak with them.”

Azrael’s shoulders slumped, “Should I leave?” she asked.

“I said you weren’t an issue didn’t I,” Lucifer snapped.

“Well, that’s good,” Azrael said, flashing an uncertain grin. “‘Cause I’m kinda your new bodyguard?”

“If any of our idiot siblings attempt to harm you because of me, I’ll rip their hearts out,” Lucifer stated flatly.

“I don’t think that’s really the worry. Mindy thinks you’re in danger of getting shot while chasing murderers with her,” Azrael said with a less than friendly look in Chloe’s direction.

Chloe flinched.

Lucifer scowled. “You hardly have to worry,” he said. He indicated his wings with a frustrated jerk of his head. “These feathered nuisances have me on house arrest and both the Detective and Linda have secured promises I won’t try to find loopholes in my promise not to cut them off.”

“The splint falls off if he furls them,” Chloe explained. “Linda says she’s not that sort of doctor but she’s pretty sure he’s going to have to keep them out until the break heals.”

“I guess I’ll just be hanging out then?” Azrael said uncertainly.

“Knock yourself out,” Lucifer replied, turning back to his piano. Chloe retrieved her book but their earlier, homey air didn’t return. Lucifer’s feathers were bristling and Chloe wasn’t so much reading as using the book to disguise her watching Azrael.

With a small sigh, Azrael hopped up on one of the bar stools. She fidgeted with her hands. After a few moments she felt the ping of a soul dying in turmoil. She folded her hands, //Castiel, pick-up in Alberta.//

“You’re not going to use your job as an excuse to vanish the moment things get ‘awkward’?” Lucifer asked, real surprise underlying the disdain in his voice.

“Cas is covering for me,” Azrael said. “And we figure the ones that lack guilt’ll get sorted out eventually, so that lightens the workload. If Dad was okay with Cain putting off Hell for eons then everyone’s fine if other psychos get a few months reprieve from Hell.”

Chloe frowned. Lucifer snorted, “Just like you lot: As long as Dad’s okay with it. Independent thought is anathema.”

Azrael winced. “Do you think Dad was trying to give Cain a chance to redeem himself?” she speculated, trying to change the subject. “But he just kept on being awful and spreading misery. And Abel went to Hell, the first time he died anyway. I guess there’s not much point it trying to keep humans out of Hell.”

“Shut up!” Lucifer growled.

Azrael gulped when she saw his feathers had gone full-on blades. “Sorry. I’ll just sit here, and be quiet.” She poured herself a drink, mostly to have something to fill her hands and her mouth.

Twenty stifling minutes passed.

“I’m just going to go… Put something together for a slow cooker lunch tomorrow,” Chloe excused herself. “You have a slow cooker right?”

“Corner cupboard, bottom shelf,” Lucifer said. Chloe nodded and folded down a corner to mark her page. Lucifer grimaced, “Use a bookmark you heathen,” he said.

“It’s a cheesy romance from the grocery store, not one of your first editions,” Chloe pointed out with a roll of her eyes and an affectionate smile. Azrael felt herself fade into invisibility.

“You’re doing it just to annoy me,” Lucifer accused, pouting outrageously.

“Would I do that?” Chloe asked, full of mischief.

“Your offspring got her flare for deviousness from somewhere and it wasn’t Daniel,” Lucifer replied. “His lacks a certain…”

They were teasing each other and it made something ache in Azrael’s chest, _‘Endearing nicknames are reserved for siblings who didn’t abandon me for millennium.’_ Chloe was certainly not a sibling but- Azrael felt something twist in her gut, hurt and loss and something else she didn’t really want to name. _‘But Lu still knows how to play when it’s his beloved Detective, even after what she did.’_

The sound of Chloe rattling around in the kitchen, not quite at home yet but not a guest anymore either, drifted back into the living room. Lucifer returned his attention to the piano but his efforts were unfocused and Azrael couldn’t help but feel like an intruder, her very presence shattering the homey air that had pervaded the penthouse. “How can you forgive her so easily?” the question burst out before Azrael could stop it. “She tried to send you to Hell.”

“She learned I actually was the Devil, the embodiment of evil and, like every other mortal who believes I exist, concluded I belonged in Hell,” Lucifer said defensively.

“Lu, you’re not evil,” Azrael said. “She knew you, she should have known that.”

“Oh should she? The Detective had known me for three years in which I failed to offer her incontrovertible proof that I was telling the truth about my identity and not delusional or speaking in metaphors.”

Azrael nodded firmly.

Lucifer’s expression darkened, “But Amenadiel has known me all my life, longer than the sun is burned and, until quite recently, he thought the same thing. He called me evil to my face, so casually, while I was _helping_ him, as if it were an indisputable fact and he couldn’t even begin to comprehend that it might be offensive to me.”

The hurt lurking behind Lucifer’s words made Azrael squirm. He’d been the big brother who listened to her and defended her when their other siblings teased her or lost patience with her. Then he’d been angry and rebellious, constantly speaking out against their Father, fearlessly challenging everything they knew, unconcerned about consequences. She’d seen him shattered physically and feared he’d been destroyed for centuries in the Mortal Plane. After Lucifer’s fall she’d been confused and angry, not sure who to blame but happy enough to break Michael’s nose and feel vindicated because he didn’t stop her while not thinking too much about how Michael looking like Lucifer might have had something to do with her picking him as the target of her anger over Amenadiel and Uriel. _‘Remi was just following Mike and Mindy’s example, like always,’_ Azrael thought with remembered contempt. But the idea that they’d hurt Lucifer’s feelings was new and triggered something that felt uncomfortably like guilt.

“You all knew me long before the bad PR, before humanity began blaming all their ills on me, before they even existed and how many of YOU believe the same lies which the Detective bought into? Just because I dared to say Dad was full of shite! And how many of you helped to spread those lies? -I know the goat thing was one of you! Probably Gabriel, it fits his stunted sense of humor.- What was _your_ excuse for believing the same lies the Detective fell for. Shouldn’t _Amenadiel_ have known I wasn’t evil? Not that I can truly say how many of you shared Amenadiel’s opinion of me,” Lucifer continued bitterly. “He’s the only one who kept in contact. Drew the short straw when it came to who was responsible for keeping me in Hell, hm? Or was there a fight over the privilege?”

“It wasn’t like that AT ALL, Lu,” Azrael protested. “You’ve got to believe me, no one wanted you to get hurt like that. And after, we didn’t know what to think. Dad wasn’t saying anything and Mom? Mom was scary, mean- Well, you know about the Flood, she practically wiped out life on Earth, like she was throwing a vase in a tantrum and- And I’d never felt anything like that,” Before the Flood Mortals had been relatively few in number and long lived. Even for the Angel of Death, death had been an uncommon occurrence, each and every one of the newly dead had received her dutiful escort and full attention but in a matter of days that had all changed. “They were all dying at once, it was the first time I couldn’t keep up and they were all asking me what they’d done to deserve it. I didn’t know what to say and Uriel was missing-”

“You’re quite right Azrael,” Lucifer interrupted sharply. “I _don’t_ know how you were all suffering so terribly in the home I’d been thrown out of,”

Azrael took a shaky breath, then another, deeper one. “We thought you’d died, or not died-died, but that there was nothing left of our brother in you.”

“Because what my _loving_ family had done to me left me insane with agony, burned beyond recognition, destroyed,” Lucifer sneered. “I’m sure you were all very upset. Too upset to do anything about it obviously.”

“And later, after you took over the place, I’d drop off missorts-”

“Missorts? Whatever are you talking about?” For a moment confusion broke through Lucifer’s growing anger.

“-And every freaking time I’d tell myself I’d go in this time, go see you but the demons- They’d start telling the souls what was in store for them. That the ones like them that didn’t send themselves to Hell get your personal attention,” Azrael continued agitatedly. “They get off on watching you torture people, do you realize that Lu?”

“Damned souls, when properly tortured, produce Darkness,” Lucifer informed her coldly. “Of course Dad’s unsightly rejects find it orgasmic to know that we won’t have to eat each other to survive another day. And you all want me there- So the Detective spent a few months plotting to return me to Hell, she has plenty of company. Everyone from the First Born Angel down to a pathetic street preacher who didn’t believe his own spiel until I showed proof it was all true, all of you believe I belong in Hell. Because Dad sent me there and his Will is unquestionable! Even you, Azrael, who calls me her favorite brother, you were afraid to come see what Hell had made of me but still you say I was wrong to tell Dad where He could stick it when He decided, in His infinite wisdom, that I should be charged with the keeping of Heaven’s rejects.

“You all think I should just suck it up and surrender to His will, because Dad knows best! You knew it was destroying me, day by day, ripping away anything good about me. You knew it! But would you even look the other way for a bit when I managed to escape?” Lucifer ranted and Azrael wondered how much better their hearing had to be than a human’s that they hadn’t drawn Chloe back with their arguing. _‘Or maybe she decided on the better part of valor.’_

“Could you have let me have bloody _moment_ to recollect what little was left of me apart from the torture? NO! Amenadiel couldn’t hunt me down fast enough and when I finally got the leverage to make him stop going after me directly? He conspired with _my_ demon. He insinuated himself into _my_ therapist’s confidence. HE RAISED A DAMNED SOUL TO MURDER ME!! To trap me in Hell with my wings gone and no way of escape. That’s what the only family who would even TALK TO ME was plotting. And all the while Dad and the rest of you sat and watched. Useless lumps, the lot of you, unless I assume you approved- And by ‘you’ I mean Dad, of course.

“That’s all any of you really care about: What Dad wants. What Dad thinks. He pops me back up after Malcolm killed me and suddenly Amenadiel is willing to hold off on returning me to Hell. Then Amenadiel gets it in his head that Dad wants him to be a good brother to me; and Dad knows, loving me is a task worthy of Heracles; and once again Amenadiel doesn’t have the slightest clue as to how- how-” Lucifer jumped to his feet, knocking the piano bench over as he began to pace, his half-spread wings endangering the decor with every turn. “If Dad wants him to love me, he’ll love me. If Dad wants him to murder me, he’ll murder me, in a heart beat. Any of you would. You ask how I can forgive the Detective? At least she has a bloody mind of her own! How can I trust a relationship with you, any of you, when I know you’d all turn on me at Dad’s whim?”

“I wou…” The protest died on Azrael’s lips. _‘Would I? If Dad ever flat out told me to destroy Lu- And with my blade it_ would _be me he’d ask- If he asked, would I refuse? It’s Dad, He’s- He’s- Would I refuse? Or would I do like Abraham: Trust that Dad’s right and hope like Hell He won’t actually make me go through with it?’_

“And… “ Lucifer closed his eyes. His wings drooped as much as the splint would allow. “And how can I blame Chloe for entertaining the thought that I’m the source of all evil when I wonder it myself? I tried so hard not to think it, buried the thought under hating Dad but it was always there: Could I really be right to say that I’m not evil, I punish evil when _everyone_ else says I’m it’s source? My family in addition to every mortal who actually believes I exist, could they all be wrong?”

“Yes!” Azrael exclaimed.

Lucifer’s lips quirked up in a tiny smile, “Chloe said that too, really helped sort out my whole devil-sitch. She said _I_ knew myself best, that everyone who said I was evil was wrong, that _she_ had been wrong to listen to a bunch of, at best, circumstantial, second-hand accounts. No one ever told me that before. Well, Linda by inference but then she apparently came through the whole ‘It’s all real’ crisis without considering that Dad’s book might be right about me. I don’t really know how, Chloe’s reaction is much more in keeping with what I’m accustomed to. But then Chloe changed her mind!”

 _‘He shouldn’t sound so amazed by that,’_ Azrael thought. “Don’t you realize, Lu you’ve got a whole fan-club Upstairs. People you’ve hung out with on your little vacations since, like, forever who are all happy to tell anyone who’ll listen, or who mentions you, what a positive force you were in their lives. I mean, seriously, you do not want to disparage you around that bunch, you will get a lecture that will _blister_ your ears.”

“Truly?” Lucifer asked. He studied her carefully as if expecting it to be a lie or a trick.

“Absolutely,” Azrael said sincerely.

“Well, I suppose, even Linda took two weeks before she could bring herself to stop barricading herself in her office. Prior to our little deal, Amenadiel would have had me back in Hell in much less time than that,” Lucifer said thoughtfully. “If the Detective had returned from Rome to find me gone, never to darken her doorstep again, by the time she arrived in Heaven mayhap fond memories would have outweighed her fears.”

“You make too many excuses for her Lu,” Azrael said quietly.

Lucifer shook his head. “The Detective ended her association with Kinley before doing any actual harm-”

“Except to your heart,” Azrael objected.

“It took Chloe not quite two months and _almost_ sending me to Hell to change her mind. It took Amenadiel since the dawn of humanity and I’m relatively certain Malcy’s murder spree only made him question his methods. And I never have gotten an apology for the… Honesty I lost count of how many times Amenadiel dragged me down to Hell long before our half-brother was born in Bethlehem… I suppose I should be thankful Amenadiel never broke my wings to facilitate the trip down again. And since he’s the only one you who bothers to stay in contact; aka beating the Hell out of me if I ever resist going back too vigorously- Well,I’ve had to assume that he spoke for all of you, or rather Dad spoke through Amenadiel since He’s always _given_ you your opinions hasn’t He?”

“Dad doesn’t really say much,” Azrael pointed out hesitantly.

“And yet all of you, Celestial and Mortal alike, scramble madly about trying to win His approval,” Lucifer replied sharply. “ALL OF YOU. And you know what the one thing everyone seems to agree one is, hmm? That Dad wants me in Hell. You can go on all you like about how Dad didn’t TELL Chloe or that blasted priest to do what they did but He showed them didn’t He? If He hadn’t-” Lucifer cut himself off before Azrael could correct him. “Learning my Fall destroyed me to the point where mortal tales about how it happened have supplanted my own memories hasn’t quite settled yet. And Mum’s self-serving lies never help anything.”

He took a deep breath, “I still blame Dad, for this anyway. If He had ever bothered to explain Himself when it came to me He could claim they misunderstood but- But I wouldn’t care. At Uriel’s urging, Amenadiel and Michael decided that something had to be done about me, to force me onto the path Dad ordained for me and Dad did nothing. Mortals began blaming me for the wrongs they do and even back when Dad was still intervening fairly regularly; Sodom and Gomora spring to mind; but about me He said nothing. He didn’t correct the impression that He wanted me in Hell, He didn’t dismiss their nonsense about how I caused them to sin. When our half-brother began preaching about love and forgiveness for the asking, He or one of you on his behalf followed it up with John of Patmos’ little Revelation. I took it as fair warning that forgiveness did not and never would be extended to me.”

“Hey you did the Burning Bush and Mom did the Flood, it wouldn’t be the first time Mortals got confused about what Dad did or didn’t do. Beside,” Azrael twirled a finger around her ear, “I think exposure to Divinity was a little hard on poor John.”

“The fact remains, from my Fall onward, Dad’s never once corrected the belief that He wants me Hell,” Lucifer said. “Kinley may be a tosser, presuming to know Dad’s will, but even if he was he and the First Born Angel got the same message. There are plenty of mortals who’ve gotten it wrong about what Dad wants but I’ve news for you, Azrael: Celestials are equally clueless. Dad had plans for the Detective that involved me. At any rate making her with specific immunity to MY powers certain points in that direction but Amenadiel never got the bloody memo even though corralling me is his raison d'être. The least Dad could do is own that He’s a shitty communicator.”

“That’s not fair!” Azrael protested. “It’s not like Dad’s telling them to do this.”

“He told them to worship Him!” Lucifer growled. “I never wanted rule over Hell, refused it so emphatically that you all called it a rebellion! For nothing more than demanding the right to choose my path in life! I never asked to rule,” he repeated. “But I am Hell’s ruler and Dromos showed me that I couldn’t walk away.” He nodded towards his missing arm, “The only reason I’m here now, the only reason any of you have ever offered to help me keep a lid on Hell is because I’d have been destroyed if you _hadn’t_ stepped in.”

Azrael cringed, both at the memory of how they’d found Lucifer; wings pinned to the base of his throne, a horde of demons gathered before it, using his blood to summon her blade back from the void; and at the accusation that they wouldn’t have helped had the situation been less dire.

“I _will_ go back,” Lucifer stated, eyes flashing red. “I won’t tolerate the existence of a Hell where innocents are tortured. I _should_ have known what was happening eons ago-”

“Would you have recognized it if you had seen it?” Azrael asked quietly. “That’s why Michael’s so shitty sorting: He just doesn’t get it. I’m almost always on Earth, I see humans living their lives all the time- Well, living their lives while someone in the vicinity dies but ya know- Anyway, watching them, I figured out that sometimes guilt just takes hold of a person and they can’t get rid of it. One person’s near miss is a life lesson that saves them. Another doesn’t get so lucky and they’re damned by their guilt no matter what they do to make up for it afterwards but they didn’t _do_ anything different from the first person. I get it, because I see it happen with my own eyes. Michael- He uses his gift to compel confession, it just reduces the ones who don’t know if they belong in Heaven or Hell to their worst moment.”

“As does Hell,” Lucifer looked thoughtful, “If I’d only known Delilah in Hell, only seen her through the lens of her guilt- She was better than the drunkard who sired her! She may have become an addict herself but she never hurt anyone the way he hurt her. And I don’t know why she kept surrounding herself with men who treated her as he did, she _didn’t_ want it... No matter what she may have believed. But, her loop, her life, it’s so distorted,” Lucifer shook his head. “Through her eyes I could almost believe it was her fault Jimmy was such a disgusting troll. I should have kept her. She had so much talent, I didn’t want to make a caged nightingale of her but I would have destroyed the likes of Jimmy and 2vile before they could touch her, body or soul. So perhaps there’s something to what you’re saying. I _know_ the truth of Delilah and now I can see the same truth in… too many Hell-Loops. But to understand I needed Delilah’s friendship, Dr. Linda’s explanations, Dear Charlotte and Daniel’s examples, Ms. Lopez and Beatrice’s brilliance, Chloe- But why was Dad so determined to keep Hell’s brokenness from me? Did He take some sort of perverse delight from making me complicit in his flawed design? His cruelty?”

“I don’t know Lu, maybe you were always supposed to fix it,” Azrael argued.

“With what tools?” Lucifer exclaimed. “The ability to draw out all their hidden desires is endlessly useful in breaking them but what good does it do when I want to heal?”

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to get into some poor sap’s head and FORCE them to see that their intentions were good?” Azrael exclaimed. “Maybe they were stupid or careless or-or HELPLESS! That’s the worst of all, when I see them blaming themselves for shit that’s completely out of their control.”

“I can’t do it in Hell,” Lucifer said. “That sort of innocence dies so quickly under Hell’s influence. I can’t give back Delilah’s joy in her music. She loved to sing and when she was lost in the music that was all there was to her: Her joy and her desire to share it. While she was alive my powers drew on her desire to share her love of music but in Hell all I can pull is her wish for fame, to never _want_ again but not her joy, Hell took that long ago. And if Dad had had his way, if I’d been the good, obedient child, I’d never have known to look for the hints of what Hell has robbed it’s victims of… Sometimes I wonder if Chloe wasn’t doing exactly as Dad wished when she fled to Rome,” Lucifer continued quietly. “If she goes to Hell because of me, and that is a very real danger for her, I will never leave again. I’m not Father, neither the forces of Heaven or Hell will be able to compel me to abandon her in that place.”

“Why does she matter so much to you?” Azrael pled.

“There have been so many people who’ve wanted me in Hell, who’ve tried to send me there- And then there’s my family, this last decade of failures to send me to Hell are hardly significant against the eons of success the preceded it. Even your apology; such a rare thing from a Celestial; came with the caveat that I had to admit it was all my fault. I rebelled after all- Do you know what the chink in my armor that allowed self-hatred to creep in was?” Lucifer asked.

“You cared what _she_ thought of you,” Azrael said immediately. “If _she_ thought you were evil then you were willing to give it credence.”

“Oh it was much older than that,” Lucifer corrected coldly. “As much as I’ve always blamed Dad, for everything, I did know that I could have made other choices. I could have chosen to capitulate. Maybe you would have allowed me my little vacations unimpeded. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to steal what little understanding I have of good, healthy souls. But how much help do our siblings offer _you_ Azrael? Do they make you feel guilty for asking for it instead of being able to handle it yourself?”

“Lu, we were each made and gifted to fulfill the task Dad set for us,” Azrael protested.

“Not even five minutes ago we agreed that I’ve only _just_ gained enough understanding of humans to begin to grasp where their self-inflicted guilt is unwarranted!” Lucifer growled. “And I still haven’t a clue as to how to fix it. If I was made for the task of punishing the souls who damn themselves to Hell then I was badly made!”

“There wouldn’t be a need for Hell if you hadn’t messed with Dad’s project in the first place!” Azrael exclaimed.

Lucifer chuckled darkly, “You poor naive thing, Dad gave them FREE WILL. Perhaps it would have taken them longer to make a choice that ticked Him off if I hadn’t gotten involved but it was always inevitable that at least some of them would fall. After all, the only way one can be sure that everyone makes good choices is to limit their choices so that they’re all of the ‘Do you want to brush your teeth first or take a bath first?’ variety. -I’ve been spending too much time around Linda and her spawn- But is it truly free will if a choice of consequence is never on the table?”

“Maybe they just weren’t ready for those choices yet,” Azrael said. “I mean Linda’s going to let Charlie have real choices someday.”

“Lilith managed to damn herself quite thoroughly before I came on the scene. She wanted equality, can you imagine it?” Sarcasm dripped from Lucifer’s tongue. “Adam would rule the creatures of the day and her the creatures of the night and they would be equal partners in their marriage, but Adam insisted that her place was beneath him. Dad sided with Adam and cast Lilith out where she became the embittered creature all of Hell knows and hates. But, don’t you see it? _Lilith was right!_ ”

 _‘And Dad was wrong?’_ Azrael finished to herself.

“How much better off would mortals be if they’d never started down the path of putting one above another? And that happened before I encountered them. Before I set foot in the garden there was already a one broken marriage and another on the rocks. When Dad made Eve for Adam’s benefit and not for her own, He made her feel that her desires were of less importance than Adam’s. Every time Adam compared Eve to Lilith he taught her to feel insufficient, a poor replacement for the partner he truly desired. Humans were always going to Fall. All those stories about how I hate humanity,” Lucifer shook his head. “I’m the only angel who ever empathized with them. Like them, I was designed to fail.”

“Chloe made a mistake, she admitted that and she didn’t go through with it but her apology alone wasn’t enough for me. I forgave her when she handed me proof that she wanted me in her life, I forgave her when I had evidence she’d never do something like that again. And if Dad should come down from His throne in the Silver City and tell _Chloe_ to her face that returning me to Hell was the reason He caused her to be born, well-” Lucifer grinned viciously. “Now that’s a show I’d pay to witness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm drawn to Chloe-Bashing stories every now and then, because what she did was really awful. For all the times Lucifer’s actions hurt her, his intentions towards her were in the right place, just confounded by impulsiveness coupled with a total lack of emotional intelligence. Chloe’s heart was not in the right place (Kinley’s one line about sending Lucifer to Hell being in Lucifer’s best interest too is such a half-hearted sop to her conscious it’s barely worth considering. He had books on why it was in humanity’s best interest, by contrast that’s one line without the even a suggestion that he or Chloe had put a micron of thought into how this was in Lucifer’s best interest). It was awful, but one thing I don’t think Chloe, or the show’s resolution of the Kinley arc gets enough credit for is that Lucifer gets significant assurance that it won’t happen again. I like “Expire Erect” a lot, I’m glad neither Lucifer nor the show let it go without Chloe proving her good intentions which contrasts strongly with Amenadiel where his actions in S1 are just dropped.
> 
> So as much as I’d like to read a good Chloe-Bashing story, ones where her comeuppance is delivered by Amenadiel, God or even extra-canon siblings don’t work for me. Their actions are as bad if not worse than Chloe’s, Lucifer's family history is why he’s so vulnerable to the sort of emotional damage Chloe did, and his family’s example is the whole reason everyone jumps to the conclusion that he belongs in Hell. The hypocrisy of Lucifer’s family deciding Chloe doesn’t deserve a second chance while they’re getting a second chance for the what basically amounts to the same offense leaves me cold.


End file.
